Joey’s Top Ten Complaints – May/June 2003

#10 – THE 500 MILLION DOLLAR LAWSUIT AGAINST NYC

 “Now there is no price on a life----no price at all.  But there sure as hell is NO ONE worth 500 million dollars in a lawsuit!

The only person that would say that there is would be Johnnie Cochran.  Johnnie Cochran, come on down, THE PRICE IS RIGHT!  If he thinks he can make a lot of bucks, he’ll show up…..but he’s not coming out to help you with your fender bender.

But 500 million dollars….do you know how much money that is?  Can you imagine one family being awarded that from the City of New York?  We can’t even keep the firehouses open, and somebody wants 500 million dollars?

They’re barking up the wrong city.”

#9 – PEOPLE DON”T APPRECIATE THINGS THAT THEY’RE CLOSE TO

“I live right next to Patsy’s Pizza.  It’s the most famous pizza place in the world.  BUT WHAT DO I CARE!!   It’s too close.  Anything you live that close to CAN’T be adored.

You need to have distance for adoration, otherwise you get too familiar with it.  You know it too well and it doesn’t mean that much to you.  It doesn’t have the same glitz—the same glamour—the same aura.  You have to stand back away from something to stand in awe of it.

That’s why I got a divorce.  I REALLY ADMIRE HER NOW!”

#8 – NEGATIVE CHARACTERIZATIONS OF JOEY

“Years ago, they used to call me a MANAGEMENT NIGHTMARE.  And then they started calling me a LOOSE CANNON, whatever that means.  What’s a loose cannon, some type of camera?

No, a loose cannon is someone who makes management nervous because they don’t know where he’s going to go.

But who are the most BORING people in the world?  The ones that always go exactly where you expect them to.

Like Tom Brokaw, for example.  Would you like to have dinner with HIM?  What could he say to you without reading?”

#7 – CRITICISM OF THE SHOW”S GUEST LIST

“We always present new talent.  That’s what we do on this show.  If they were already making it, they WOULDN”T BE HERE!

Have you ever heard Tom Cruise on here?  No----never.  He doesn’t need MY HELP, and we DON’T PAY ANYTHING!

So tonight, we’ll have four or five more people on that you’ve never heard of----as usual.

Hey, I’m not trying to be anybody, and its working!  I’m a nobody!

#6 – PEOPLE WHO DON”T GO OUT MUCH

“We were at the Apollo last night for the closing of “The Jackie Wilson Story”-----we were known as the white folks.  And there was some woman sitting right behind me that was opening candy all during the show.

People who are used to watching TV at home—when they go out, they bring their habits with them.  They talk on the phone—stand up—have conversations—go to the bathroom—eat—all that stuff!

BUT I WANT TO WATCH THE SHOW!!!”

#5 – CELLPHONE MANIA

“I actually saw two jibonies today walking down the street together, both talking on cellphones to someone else!

Why are you with somebody if you don’t want to be with him?  Why are you talking to someone else?

There’s a song that describes this generation of cellphone mania.  It’s called “Love the One You’re Not With”.”

4 - MORE AND MORE RULES AND REGULATIONS IN NYC

“We have so many new rules and regulations here in New York City now, and I’d like to thank Warden Bloomberg for doing such a great job organizing the hell out of this place!

One of the new rules is about smoking.  Smoking is an addiction.  If somebody wants to smoke, they’ll find a way and they’ll do it no matter what.  And how they want to do it and where they want to do it is going to be YOUR PROBLEM when you try to get in the way of it.

Well, maybe the Mayor will lighten up after he gets laid by J. Lo!”

3 – THE WAY DOCTORS CONDUCT BUSINESS

“So I’ve had this toothache that’s been bothering me, and on Friday night, Dennis the Dentist was sitting here right in front of me.  So I told him about it, and he said “OK, give me a call on Monday”.

But I’m thinking, I’ve got this toothache RIGHT NOW----I really don’t want to hear this call me on Monday stuff. 

So today is Monday, and I called-------and he made me an appointment for THURSDAY!!!  Can you believe this?  I’m just supposed to take Motrin until Thursday.  Isn’t Motrin what women take for cramps?

So anyway, the Motrin stopped the toothache, but I went into labor!”

2 – THE WAY PEOPLE POSITION THEMSELVES

“People are always looking to position themselves, and with this new book, Hilary Clinton has positioned HERSELF right next to the cash register!

She is now running for President as an author.  She’s not running as a Senator or as a politician.  She’s running as an author, and she’s trying to get

the SCORNED WOMAN vote.  She thinks she can be scorned right into the White House.

Well, if that worked, Eleanor Roosevelt would have been as lifer!

Would you want a scorned woman as the President?  That would be the meanest four years in history!”

1 – THE NEGATIVITY OF NYC MAYOR MICHAEL BLOOMBERG

“The Mayor has got to get positive and start saying how great things are in this city, not how bad they are, because nobody’s going to buy bad.

Now I’m not being mean spirited about this, but he needs some Norman Vincent Peale tapes.

Someone has to take him aside---talk to him---and kick him in the ass.  You can’t be running a city and just keep saying how BAD things are---that’ll make it worse!

You’ve got to be a cheerleader and a ringmaster.  And as a ringmaster, you can’t say “Hey, here come the elephants, and boy do they suck!  And here come the giraffes, and they’re not too good, either!”

You’ve got to be out there saying that we’re doing the best we can.  We’ve struggled, but we’re coming through it because we’re a great people with great spirit.”

 Joey Reynolds’ Top 10 Complaints – January/February 2003

#10 – THE ATTITUDE OF ENGINEER TONY

“What is Tony doing back there in the control room, reading a Playboy?

His check cleared today, so you notice how mellow he gets?  Once he gets his money, he doesn’t pay attention to the show.  All Tony is thinking about is how he can get OFF THIS SHIFT and work with the Dolans.”

#9 – THE FOX NEWS FEAR MACHINE

“They do TERRORIZING news on Fox now, complete with all that screaming crap that we used to do on Top 40 Radio.

………..YESTERDAY, 47 PEOPLE KILLED IN A HUGE FIRE IN CHEEKTOWAGA………NEW BIN LADEN TAPES RELEASED, CALLER #3, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?……ALIENS SPOTTED IN OMAHA, NEBRASKA…..WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THAT STORY JUST AHEAD OF MORE MUSIC WITH GARY STEVENS…WMCA GOOD GUY NEWSTIME IS 8:05.

They just try to make America nervous, and to get rid of everything that resembles sanity.”

#8 – THE CITIBANK ROLE REVERSAL

“When I got home from work this morning, I got a call from the bank.  They want money.

Can you imagine a bank calling YOU to ask for money?  Are they tapped out at Citibank?

They actually called and they want me to put some money in the bank.  I just said WAIT A MINUTE!  What do they think, that I’m holding out on them?  I felt like they were an ex-wife.

Hey, if they’re calling ME for money, they’ve hit the bottom.  First it was my kids---now THE BANK!”

#7 – GUESTS WHO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MY SHOW

“Time and again, people will come here and be on this program, and they’ve never heard it.  They’ve been on the road and have been on hundreds of radio shows that are all pretty much the same----then they come to this one, which is different.

This is a personality radio show, and every day it changes its texture.  You never know what you’re going to get here…..and neither do we! 

Some nights when nobody shows up, I’m my own guest, and I interview ME.  I’m doing it right now—I’m talking to ME—ain’t nobody here!

So the other night, we had some guests and we played their CD.  And then, we got off the subject and had some fun---and THEY GOT ANNOYED!  God forbid you should have a good time.  But its simply because they didn’t know anything about this show.”

#6 – PEOPLE MISTAKING MY AGE

“I went to the Post Office today, and the girl asked me if I was retired.

GET OUTTA HERE!

Do I look it?  Do I look retired?  You’re not thinking I’m retired, are you? No.  Do I look THAT OLD to you?

Well maybe I do because I cut my hair real short now.  I’ve got that “Butch” haircut.  I just wanted to look like the girls in the Village.”

#5 – PEOPLE ENTERING THE U.S. ILLEGALLY

“I think I’ve got a possible solution to this problem.  Most of the terrorists got into this country illegally, and hung around on expired visas—some of them for 10 years or more.

Now, look what happens at Blockbuster Video.  If you’re two days late returning a video, these people are ALL OVER YOU!

So you see, we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Just a thought!”

#4 – NEW YORK CITY LANDLORDS

“My landlord didn’t turn on the heat today.  You know why?  Because it was warm YESTERDAY!

If you’re paying $2,000.00 an inch for your apartment, aren’t you entitled to some heat?

In all the years I lived in Florida, they NEVER turned off the air conditioning.  Only HERE are they environmentally ill!

They turn the heat off during the day, because they figure you’re at work.  Then, they turn it off at night, because they figure you’re asleep.  The only time it comes on and STAYS ON is around the time that the rent is due.” 

#3 – DEFERRED PAYMENT PLANS

“Remember that furniture that you bought six months or a year ago, and there were no payments due until February of 2003?  Well, IT’S HERE!

You’re going to start making payments on a couch or some crummy pullout bed that may already be broken!

And that “zero interest” stuff, that just means that they have zero interest in you as a person.  No interest at all.  They just want to get your money, so they’ll patiently wait and then GRIND you for it later on.

My sister up in Buffalo has a great plan…….if you don’t have the money, you don’t buy it.  That’s why she has no furniture in her house….no refrigerator, either, but she doesn’t NEED one in Buffalo.”

#2 – THE ABSURDITY OF POLITICS

“We drove Senator Lott right into the ground.  The guy is at the point of practically dying.  He is absolutely totally defrocked.  The day he made those comments he should have just said ---“WELL….SO LONG!”

Then, there is Hilary the Queen.  AOL has a poll that says that SHE could win the Democratic nomination for President.  Who is this poll?  Some guy from Warsaw?

So we just took this guy down for comments he made to a 100- year- old man.  Yet, with all the stuff that the Clintons have done, how come they get let go and looked upon as if they’re wonderful?  They’ve made LOTS OF MISTAKES!

So have I, and I had the NUNS in school!  Do you think I got cut any slack?”

#1 – THE MEDIA NOT CALLING CRAZY PEOPLE CRAZY

“Robert Blake has been NUTS from the first day.  Phil Spector---O.J. Simpson---they’re JUST NUTS!  These guys are just CRAZY, but nobody wants to say it.  Well, watch my lips….THESE THREE GUYS ARE NUTS!!!!!  Just get it out of your system!

Robert Downey is NUTS—CRAZY—A CRAZY PERSON!

Darryl Strawberry? CRAZY PERSON!  Michael Jackson?  CERTIFIED CRAZY!

Remember the Dupont guy?  He got tired of somebody hanging around his house, so he shot them!  CRAZY!

I just put it out there for you to examine.  I don’t make it up.  I’m not Bill O’Reilly.  I’m not going to run for office.  I’m not a Republican.  I’m not a Democrat.  I’m just a citizen of the Planet Earth and GOD’S GIFT TO THE MIDNIGHT HOUR!”

  Joey Reynolds Top Ten Complaints – November/December 2002

 #10 – MYRA’S OBSESSION WITH DUANE READE DRUGSTORES

 “There you go back on this Duane Reade thing again, Myra.  Are you determined to make a joke out of this?  I keep trying to drag you away, but there’s no stopping you.

Why do you keep talking about Duane Reade like its something special?  I guess its because you’re from Philly where they don’t have any.  Well we have one on every block here in New York, so we don’t want to hear about it.”

#9 – THE VOICE OF SEAN HANNITY

 “About that Sean Hannity…….what a whiner he is.  He sounds like Nathan Lane….a whiny little short, fat guy.

“Alright, we’ll take the next call now”

Grown men don’t talk that way.  You only hear that on cartoons.  Men should not have snively little voices like that.”

 #8 – THE CURRENT FORMULA OF TALK RADIO

 “These days, AM talk shows all end in the White House, and FM talk shows all end in the crotch. 

The reason that I have the audience I have is because I’m not like everybody else…….at least that’s what I’m told.  I’m an alternative to the usual crap.

Well, you’re my audience, and I’m looking at you guys like you’re a little weird.  Anyone who sits and listens to this thing for five hours has got to be a little smoked.  There’s definitely no antenna on YOUR set!

So it’s a strange little marriage of millions of people and myself.”

 #7 – EVERYONE IS ALLEGEDLY BROKE

 “I don’t want too hear anymore about the bad economy and nobody having any money.  It’s all a lot of crap.

This whole city has people paying thousands of dollars a month in rent…..so who doesn’t have any money?

You go over to the Gateway store where they have those plasma T.V.’s, and they’re BACKORDERED!

These guys go out for five dollar cups of coffee at Starbuck’s….they buy plasma T.V.’s….and you tell me they’re BROKE?  Nobody is going to be convincing me that there isn’t any money around.

 #6 –THE PERCEPTIONS OF MANAGEMENT AT WQXR

 “WQXR is owned by the New York Times.  They play classical music and lots of snobby commercials.

They have this idea that because people listen to classical music, they all drive Mercedes, all drink Zifandel wines, and all have American Express Platinum Cards.

JUST WHAT ARE THEY SMOKIN’ OVER THERE?

The truth is that their listeners use Fatwacker and Breathassure just like everybody else.

The stuff that these radio stations are putting out is making me crazy……but I was already well on my way.”

 #5 – OVERUSE OF THE WORD “AGENDA”

 “I love that word “agenda”.  They say that someone “has an agenda”.

Well of course they do…..everybody has one.  That’s why they sell daily planners, because everybody has one.

If I hear that expression on one more talk show, I think I’m going to barf.

Of COURSE the caller has an agenda………THAT”S WHY HE CALLED!!!!”

 #6 – BROADWAY IS OVERPRICED

 “ I don’t think that the common man can handle this.  It’s too expensive.  After you’ve parked and had dinner, you’ve already spent a b’jillion dollars!

Then, they get you into the theatre at the “gotcha” price of $90.  $250 if it’s a big hit.

And THEN…..they ask you for money for “Broadway Cares”.

Now I believe in charity and we should all do our part, and most of us have special charities that we give to.  I just think that after they’ve just gotten you for $90, they shouldn’t try to hit you for another $10.  I think it’s rude.

 #3 – A HALF DOZEN PEOPLE CONTROL EVERYTHING

 “Is it wrong for five or six people to own all the radio stations in this country?  You KNOW that’s wrong!

Now, WHO was not watching the store?  Which politicians let this happen? 

When the payola scandal hit years ago, payola was made illegal RETROACTIVELY.  And the disc jockeys involved were penalized RETOACTIVELY.

Now, if jocks were penalized retroactively, what about all the Congressmen and Senators that allowed deregulation?

Give me the names of the Congressmen and Senators who’ve allowed the FCC to become totally ineffective.

Who are the ones who’ve allowed five or six people to control all the News in this country----and have made it possible for five or six people to own ALL the radio stations.

Let’s find out who they are, and let’s kick their asses, RETROACTIVELY!!

 #2 – THE CASE AGAINST McDONALDS

 “Look at how STUPID this is.  We’re going to court because someone got fat at McDonalds.  Why does the court system even hear these ridiculous cases?

And the lawyers who take these cases, THEY should be horse whipped.

These fat-assed ladies are suing McDonalds for making them fat.  Well, restaurants DON”T make you fat, ladies.  What made you fat is that YOU ATE TOO MUCH!!!

 #1 – THE N.Y. TIMES GIVING “DANCE OF THE VAMPIRES” A POOR REVIEW

 “We are all sheep in this country.  If the newspaper tells you that the show is no good, you don’t go to see it.  But this is the opinion of ONE GUY, not the whole newspaper.

How can you see a full house of 1500 people give the show a standing ovation, and then say it’s NO GOOD?  How can you not get it?

I’ve seen the show four times, and every time it has gotten a standing ovation.  I’ve been there so many times that I have to GIVE BLOOD when I go in!

Listen, Paul, Myra and I never agree on anything, but we somehow agree on this.  The show is good!!

Joey Reynolds’ Top 10 Complaints – October 2002

 #10 – OUR DEPENDENCY ON MIDDLE EASTERN OIL

 “We have run out of love, kindness and patience on this planet, but one of the things we’re NOT out of is OIL.  If we just stop buying oil from these middle eastern countries, then they will start to get nervous over there…..and there is nothing worse than a moody Sheik!  Just don’t buy their oil, and if we run out, we’ll think of something else.”

 #9 – PRIM AND PROPER 1010 WINS

 “OK Tony, we’ll do the big band thing at the top of the hour, and then we’ll bring in the live band…..just change things around to throw off 1010 WINS.  I love the idea that they’re an “all news” station, and their air staff can’t do anything personable.  They can’t ad lib or say anything off beat…..so I can say anything I want and they’re NEVER going to respond. 

1010 WINS was a good station when they had Murray the K and Jack Lacy and they were playing Rock n’ Roll.  Now, it has become your AGGRAVATION STATION!  And the idiots that listen to it are a bunch of mental midgets just sitting there waiting for the weather to change.” 

 #8 – THE INSANITY OF TELEVISION

 “I think that the television set is a great narcotic for people who want to have no experience in life.  It just sucks all the air out of your brain on a daily basis.  This whole television news setup for example.  Today, I saw this Ivory Joe Hunter (really Ira Joe Fisher) standing behind a piece of plexiglass drawing pictures of the weather…and I said, WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?  There is no sanity in dedicating yourself to television.”

 #7 – THE E-MAIL CRITICS

 “I don’t mind people not liking this show.  What I do mind is people that don’t like the show who continue to listen to the show.  THAT doesn’t show a lot of intelligence.

I can’t stand when I hear people say “Did you hear what Howard Stern said?  I hate him!”

WELL, WHY DO YOU LISTEN TO HIM THEN?  I don’t listen to what people say because most people don’t know what they’re talking about, but NO ONE wants to tell them that!

Now that I’ve said THAT, I’m going to get MORE e-mails!

 #6 – CALLERS TO TALK SHOWS

 “ I remember when phone calls first came on the radio.  The callers weren’t angry, they weren’t arrogant, and they had a little humility.  Then, all of a sudden, the listeners became like Talk Show Hosts with an agenda.  Now, they’re like stalkers.  The get on the line and harass the hosts. 

It started out with the hosts being filled with anger….now it’s the audience!  You people have been trained by us to do the stuff that WE DO!  You’re imitating us!  Why would I want you to call in and BE ME?  We don’t need 400,000 Bob Grants calling in!

 #5 – YOU HAVE TO BE RICH TO LEARN HOW TO BE RICH

 “Rich people don’t pay taxes.  If you know how to play the game, you can do really well.  Rich people never seem to pay taxes because they know how to NOT pay taxes by having a job where you can write everything off by spending the money you have on something else so you can keep it.  You learn how to be rich by being rich, and THEN you figure it out.  But you can’t figure it out until you get there, and you can’t get there until you know how.

 #4 – MICHAEL MOORE”S APPEARANCE CANCELLATIONS

 “That big fat toad Michael Moore……..WHY DOES HE KEEP CANCELLING ON DOING MY SHOW?  Doesn’t this jiboney know that he NEEDS to be on this program to push that miserable picture of his, Bowling for Columbine? 

Now, Michael Moore and I think pretty much the same way……but every time he’s supposed to be on this show, that BIG FAT ASS doesn’t show up!  What is his problem?

I think I’ll go barge into his office with cameras and scream “WHY ARE YOU NOT ON MY SHOW?”  That’s what HE did to everyone!  Now we’ll see how HE likes it!”

 #3 – THE DAILY PRICK

 “You can’t get through a day without something that is going to prick you.  It’s like a Lifetime Achievement Award.  Every day you get it, and there is ALWAYS going to be one.

It can come from your boss….someone you live with…a friend you’ve known for forty years…or maybe, somebody you just met yesterday.  There’s a lot of CACTUS on this planet, and every day you GET some of it!

And nobody has the answer.  Nobody solves this problem.  You can listen to Rush Limbaugh for the next twenty-seven years, and he will not give you the solution.  All you’ll learn from listening to him is that he’s fat, and that he has lots of money!

 #2 – MISSED OPPORTUNITIES BY MANAGEMENT

 “So Art Bell is retiring again.  Now the last time he retired a couple of years ago, WE had a chance to give them a run for their money with THIS SHOW!  Art Bell had been giving us a hard time because he was on about 1,200 stations.

Then he came back, and we had to fight him again.  And we did a little better….at least we stayed at #1 in New York.

Now, he’s going away AGAIN!  So I have to go talk to the management people….beat them up a little….and convince them that we now have a chance AGAIN!  And nobody ever gets a second chance like THIS…it’s like a gift from God!  Nobody ever retires TWICE opposite anybody!  What else do they want here?

 #1 – THE OVERNIGHT DUMPING GROUND

 “The overnight show is a great DUMPING GROUND for all these awful commercials.  The hair that’s falling out….the fat that you have…there’s a thousand things….the breath that you’ve got….the hearing that’s gone.  This is like the DEFICIENCY CENTER OF AMERICA!

If this audience ever bought all these things that we’re selling, we’d love them for it, but we’d be the most RETARDED NATION IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!! 

And the worst spots are the ones that are owned by Clear Channel.  They give us all these things that SUCK all night long!  That’s how they sabotage me!

So anyway, when we talk about playing five in a row on this show, its not records….its COMMERCIALS!